Expanding consciousness and gaining power over being. More like gaining the ability to maintain power in balancing components. Balancing components meaning optimizing homeostasis and total energetic expression. I have been pretty tired the last few days. Kind of afraid of laying around/sleeping too much because I don't want my schedule to shoot too late into the day. It's hard because I feel like I really do need rest, but I am afraid it will get in the way of what I want and need to do. I've been dealing with this same issue for a looonnng time. It kind of feels like I haven't gotten anywhere in years. My perception has certainly changed, but I haven't really made anything of myself in the world and I still feel really insecure. I feel like I am stuck at the bottom and that I won't ever get out of here. Like I am too afraid to move on. It kind of sucks. It seems like a lot of it is just my foggy mind unable to sense what I need to do and being able to do it. My mind and being seems scattered all over the place and it seems its strongest function is to sprawl out all over the place. That doesn't really work in this world. At least I'm afraid that it doesn't and I can't let it do what it needs to do to reset. It's like catch-22. I don't have the will to let go enough, or the will to pull it all together, so I'm stuck in between not going anywhere. Not a good feeling. I kind of feel like shit. Every time I get going, it doesn't last long enough to become anything that will pull me out of the muck. I guess I am just exhausted of being in the swamp. Makes me want to be a hater and say fuck the world. Fuck everything. This whole thing is just so stupid. I am probably just in a bad mood right now. Yup. Like a light switch. All good or all bad.
Sort of get lost in these drag holes where I forget myself and how I want to be. Lights go down low and the body gets tense. Maybe I try to run away from my feelings and hide in the dark, or take a blinding step in the right direction and forget myself again. Lol. Scared of the news, scared of the dark, annoyed by people. Lol no one can do anything right. All I really can do in these moments is do my best to set myself straight again and give it another go. Experimenting in the confines of my own mind, trying to sustain the light of my consciousness and the health of my body, a pioneer in a country of 1. I blame people for my problems. I blame the world for not being good enough to support who I am. The reality is that the world does affect us strongly and I think for a lot of people we don't have enough support. Genuine affection and intelligent support. It sucks. It sucks feeling and being alone with your struggles. Feeling like no one understands you and that you can't communicate to people. It sucks feeling like you can't take care of yourself, your life, or the people around you. It sucks hurting so much. I want a stronger community around me of open-minded caring individuals. I want people around me who are like me. Incredibly open and free spirited. Super intelligent and capable. I want to work with these people and create a paradise on Earth. I want to do it now. I am tired of squirming in the mud like a worm when I know I am so much better. I know I am gifted and more than anything I long to let these gifts flourish in the world. I know we can create a better world for humans to live in. I know we can treat our planet better. I know we can treat each other better. I know I am surrounded by gifted individuals. I know there is a better way. And I am going to do my darnest to see it happen in my lifetime. I want to build a crystal city full of crystal people in the hills and valleys of the Pacific Northwest. I want to see great feats of engineering and technology and science and human organization. I want to see incredible synthesis of the sciences and of various aspects of human imagination and approach. A renaissance of technique in the synthesis of work and play, effort and leisure, black and white. An incredible distillation of knowledge into the liquor of awakened being and awakened society.
Many people just need to be given a chance, given another way. This world just doesn't work for them. It can't because of who they are. We need something different. And not through war and tribalism, but through love, imagination, and unleashed intelligence. Cooperation and self awareness, heroic leadership and heroic participation. It's time for the kids to come out and play. It's time for the rocks and the trees and the hills to speak to us again. It's time to let the wilds flourish and trees to line the horizon. To build megaliths to the spirit. To open our minds, our hearts, our souls, and unleash our potential. All I want to do is live in the Spirit. Live this kind of life in the Spirit with all of my friends and family. I want to see it spring from the rocks like fresh greens in Spring. We can build this community. It's built into us. Into our minds, our dreams, it's singing to us. It is the song of life. I look forward to meeting you and failing to discern you from the rocks and grass and rain and sky on a hill. You are my brothers and my sisters and we are the people of the wood.
Wednesday, October 21, 2020
Journal #16
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Yeeeessssssss!! You are definitely not alone in your thoughts, the collective is also feeling this way and is touching those of us who are listening! I felt this deeply life has been very difficult lately however, yes this is the time for us to build and to create with each other, let’s be friends haha I’m also looking for like minded individuals who have the desire and connection to the divine to bring forth its vision., it’s time to gather the people aha 😆
ReplyDeleteSweet :) I feel like sharing this with you.
ReplyDeleteIt can be difficult to be so deep in a world that may appear, and actually be, shallow and find people who understand and have the same vision. Especially when finding them isn't something you can just force, it's rather something that often happens spontaneously and divinely. I think for me I have wanted this community, but in the past I hadn't been ready for it. It seemed like I needed to do a lot of personal growth first and be by myself a lot. It was hard (still is), but I am glad to have had that time and space to reach greater clarity and find the inner security and inner direction that will actually sustain me. I find that if I'm not getting something I really want and I suffer because of it, it's probably because something else is developing that is more important. And if I can get in touch with my feelings, I calm down and feel the divine realign me, my mind clears and I have positive inspiration to do something that I know is good for me. My intuition tells me when something is right or wrong and I believe that following it and learning to follow it is the true way to freedom in life. It's not easy, but gradually we can free ourselves by liberating our minds from conditioning and awakening to direct sense of reality and ourselves. I hope you find some ease soon.
Ahaha that is too true. For too long I have denied my intuition giving it the backseat in my life and it has gotten me nowhere. Relying on my strengths alone figuring I know what’s best ”my ego” and yet not being any better off for it. Done and tried, tired of that lifestyle And I’m realizing now after reconnecting with my intuition and letting it guide me it’s given me nothing but truth and so I know it is the only source to believe in because it is coming from the divine. I’m learning I am the light and so the light is always within my reach, I know this too shall pass, it’s just stormy season lol I feel like my alone time in growth is now and I’m ready for it. I’m gonna teach myself to levitate or make alien contact haha 🤓
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of inertia pulling towards the superficial and a lot of fear of what is underneath. We are fortunate to have the wisdom and strength we have to see the riches beneath the surface. Even luckier if we have the strength to make our home at the bottom of the sea.
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