sending this out from the deep into the deep. Been working on pulling my head out of the sand. Again. Lol. What a strange disorienting decade it has been. Coming out of a cloud of chaos after falling from being poised on true liberation. Somehow falling. Regaining consciousness, regaining myself, in new shades and definition. Questioning nearly everything again. Daily battling fears, or quite not battling them...more of me is detached from all of this. Looking for that lightening edge of being and life, that glorious sunshine that breaks through and banishes the festering storm. Looking for my creative space, to continue my unparalleled joy of light-weaving. Looking for a center there. Graciously gelling with many aspects of my being. Finding much to work with. Patience. Patience. Patience. Wanting to master everything. To deepen in energetic unity and cohesiveness. To consciously create all of my life with an unfloundering inner vision. To rise above fear and doubt through conscience and being. Conscientious being. To realize my true power. To see clearly how to do this.
I am still afraid. After all this work, and all this time. I still live in fear. I guess I don't know what to do about it except endure it and go with the flow. It does help and it has. I guess part of it is that my great passion creates this anguish that makes me give up and become cold and distant. This is likewise created because I am tired and see and calculate that this will take time, so I turn off parts of myself that are apart of my joy. While I may be focused, cold, and distant part of me refuses to give up my feelings and my other desires. My will to be this way. It resists and depresses and cries out. Damn. This is the clearest I've seen it in like half a year. It just wants to live and to be well, to be open and flowing and free to be itself. It seems to have been hurt many times by it's naivety. Which is why it is often carefully tucked away. It has been so upset that it has appeared like a very dense and intensely energetic storm contained by an etheric forcefield of fear and tyrant dominance. That I haven't been able to touch. That has pushed me away in pain and terror. It itself is a swelling and violent tearing pain in my soul. One that has been dominating my life. It has been whipped into shape over time and transmuted into more positive and workable forces. This makes me wonder what is at the heart of it. What is being contained by this field. My hunch is that it is something that is the most at the core of my being. Perhaps where I left of before my energy was compromised. It's not like I haven't wanted to get to it, it just has seemed impossible to.
I have been hurting so much and I haven't been expressing it for a while. Not consciously. I have been afraid of listening to my pain. Afraid it would overwhelm me. The thing is i am so fucking tired of all this ceaseless work. Fearing for my life, fearing I will hurt others. Feeling guilt over my relationships and how I treat those close to me. Nothing bad really happens, it is just what I am not doing. And what I fear I am not doing that I need to be doing. I just want to get all of these feeling straightened out so I can see clearly how I feel and how I am. I think this will make my life a lot easier. I just feel like I can't do it. Like there is way to much to do. And all i can do is heave this huge cart around and pick it apart little by little. But I don't want to do this. i want to figure it out NOW. I don't want to wait any longer. I want to be myself . I want to be free. I just don't feel like I can overcome this fear all at once. Maybe i can and I am just pushing what I am afraid to do down the line. Procrastinating rather than truly being incapable. Incapable of facing what truths I am afraid of. I feel like this is the case, at least partially. I think this is why I am so frustrated with myself. Because I know what I need to do, I am just not doing it. The part that knows, gets impatient and pissed off, then impulsive and reckless. It just wants to move on. These two push in two different directions and I am in the middle suffering and at a loss of what to do. I need to be able to face these fears and calm myself down enough to do so.
What am I afraid of facing. What do i know that I need to face to move forward. What wisdom lies here that I am not utilizing that I can. Do I know anything? What do I need to face? What do I need to see? What do i need to feel? What do I need to be?
There's all the karma that I can push back temporarily, but then it resurfaces and I fall into fear again. Is there some kind of mechanism I can use to kick this all out of the way now? Have I done enough that I can do this? Can I just walk away from all of these problems? Can I just be done with them forever? It's like in my fear I hold them close, it's really awful. I keep them close so I know that they won't sneak up on me or something. It's like I remain in fear so I don't have to be afraid. Which sounds completely insane. If I am always in fear then I won't have to face this. This is how I feel. If I stay afraid, I will never have to look at what is really there. What the fuck is there? What's waiting for me behind the corner? What's going to attack me? I hold on to all these fears so I don't have to face this. So I don't have to stop and face this. All bottled up, all the time. I want to be done with it but I don't know how. I get these little wiffs of freedom and then I am suffocated by fear and despair. My mind is dull and blank and useless. What the fuck am I supposed to do? It's just fucking blank. Probably out of terror and mental illness. I want it to heal but I am afraid of it healing because I am afraid it will destroy me when as I get healthy. Because every time I do heal, it does fuck me up again. It's fucking crazy. I just feel totally at a loss. The last time, the energy I was getting was totally like letting the ego die in a beautiful genuine way. And then I get fucking crushed. I mean wtf. The feelings I had were like, this is all over, all this crazy shit is finally fucking over...wtf. This world is a god damn nightmare. It feels like God is doing this on purpose, like fucking make me insane on purpose, and I am just supposed to follow this. I mean wtf. It's fucking crazy. This is what my feelings tell me. Fucking ridiculous. I honestly don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what to fucking do. I just want to be free. I just want to be done with all of this. It's such a fucking joke. I'm so goddamn tired. So tired of trying. So tired of being lost. So tired of being misdirected and confused by my feelings. I just want a way out. A clear way out that I can follow and depend on. Something that works. Something I can do. I just want to be done with this goddamn mess.
I'm so fucking tired. Jesus Christ. So god damn tired. I often just can't see. Like I can't see and don't see anything. There's just nothing going on. Just pauses that take up months. I don't have anything to say and I wonder if I don't feel anything, or if I am anyone or anything. I feel kind of trapped. Oppressed. Not really here. Not here at all. I wonder how real any of this is. I watch people living there lives and they don't seem to be doing anything. Like there entire life isn't real. Like they aren't even there. I just look and watch. talk talk talk. No substance, all dream. No being, no presence, just endless chatter and noise. It's like how much of you are real? Is any of you real? You are completely immersed in this fiction to the point where I don't see anything happening. No one present. Fully immersed in the mask. I think I am starting not to care. Not care at all what happens to anyone. Because no one is here. Or they are only here if I am here. When I am not here, they don't exist. Not even as fragments. They only have being in my being, which I can only see when I am present. Then I see myself coiled up within myself. Little sparks of divine consciousness waiting to leap into superconsciousness. Into being. Into self-awareness. Who knows, hard to say. I remember when I felt truly awake and I was talking to people. They didn't seem to be awake. Not at all. Like a little bit, but not really. Kind of awake. I don't really know though. Not now at least. I remember looking at someone and maybe seeing that they were awake, but didn't realize it. That someone was there, but maybe they didn't see who they really were. They just saw a part of themself. But they were there. They were present. And I think it was me who was there. Wow. They were immersed in the matrix of conditioned being pretty completely. It was a marvel to see. But they were still there. Ha. I think it's almost over. I think I am almost done with this.
Alrighty folks. Adios.
