In the moments I find myself in, wherever I may be, however I may be, whatever forms are arising...I think they all point to one moment. The sight, the blind, the in, the out, the half, the full, the me and the God, all are truly dancing arms of one great captivating something. It seems as though it seeks to make itself known in my life in each and every moment, and may be here whether or not I am conscious of it. It seems that everything my heart can reach for in it's endless imagination and diversity is an attempt to express this underlying reality. An attempt to express true love. An attempt to be fully human right now.
I think the truth is...I am always this. This is all that we are...
We imagine otherwise and we forget this truth. We forget that we are whole right now. It is human to forget in the spinning waves that life wraps around us. This is apart of the great dance. When I remember this heart I am filled with such passionate love for all of life. I feel like I have found myself again. Yet who I am and who I have found is lined with an openness that defies everything. A me that has the power to dissolve into nothing in an instant. To not be...A me that doesn't depend on me to be. A me that is bound to me and is also bound to everything. It is what binds us together in such a tender way. It is a new world remembering this. Remembering the lines and pathways which compose the world of the heart that I had forgotten and have longed to return to. To stop myself from stumbling and crashing, to remember how to dance and play with such selfless gaiety. Such childishness. To know my own heart and the heart of the world. To be able to walk in it, with it in such a loving union. I remember the warmth of the summer sun on the Olympic Peninsula as a three year old. I remember the feel of the woods. I remember how safe I felt in my heart which did not feel at war. I felt heaven and earth.
I have longed to return to such a state of being. I idolize and fantasize about this place. I think that it is not wrong to do so, but in doing so I have missed what I currently have. My heart lives now in my 27 year old body with what I have now in all of the forms that it takes. My happiness is here with what I have, and only here. Not with what was, or will be. That is my breaking and yearning heart. It is sad and afraid. Scared and tormented. Confused. It doesn't see how it is a spring of such great life right now as it is. It's wounds keep it wounded, when it rests on a fountain of youth. I believe this is the truth of our spiritual search. We look and look always away from where we are, when where we are is what we are looking for. Lol. We think certain things will bring us fulfillment when in fact we may already possess everything we need. It is not what we will find, but that we are finding it. We miss the point in our convoluted minds. The truth is seen through kaleidoscope's contortions. We mistake part for whole. We chase down fireworks that vanish before our eyes leaving us bewildered with nothing in our grasp. We thought we had the answer, yet we were chasing the reflection of the moon on the water's surface. As confused as Narcissus. All apart of the game.
So much of this search has been about personal gain. When the truth is the end of myself and many of my aspirations. They also turn to mist before my very eyes. I find that truth is not about possessing, rather about letting go and having nothing at all to cling to. I think I only possess in my fanciful imagination. Like a boy playing with toys on the floor, I play with ideas of having certain things and being a certain way. I do not think I am any way I think I am. If I am, I merely am as I am right now and I am no other way. I am bound to the content of this right now. This very thing I cannot get rid of.
Nothing else but this
