Yo, Trees and stuff

 Been a bit. Writing a lot and having a lot of insight. Being more social than I have been in years. I have been feeling like reaching out a lot to people, new people a lot. Felt like pushing myself to be more present with people even if it's uncomfortable. Wanting to have more solid relationships and working on being myself more in them. Lots of good vibes pouring in. Life feels pretty hectic the last week or so. But I think good. Lost a little of my connection over the last few days, but I think it's ok. Weird navigating the last four months. Lost my focus and I haven't been super sure that what I am doing is good. Trying to reclaim that. I think it's slowly working, but I'm not sure where I will end up. Before this I was really into this really cool awakening process and then it got squashed, I'm not sure how it is going to reappear or when, it kind of sucks. Been afraid a lot, it just sucks to lose parts of yourself that you really love and feel really comforted/secured by. Crazy process awakening. When it gets deep, it gets deep. It would be really nice to calm things down, like my hectic energies, and stay afloat, not sink down and get depressed by my own energy. 

Seeing some really cool stuff with the way that religions all but differently convey the same truths and how they are all winding together through time. It's really cool. How they are not really themselves, but they are just kind of human art and philosophy that isn't confined to the religion that we see them as. How love and inspiration are at the heart of religion and how this heart leads people and society towards unity consciousness. I guess perhaps how the heart of religion is uplifting and enlightening. How this is manifesting on our world. We see a lot of the problems of organized religions, but I think misjudge them and their heart, which I think is good. I think even though they cause so many problems, they overall are a uplifting and unifying force in humanity. A force which doesn't end when people leave them to be atheist, agnostic, or non-religiously spiritual. The force of religion is one with the human heart and our loving consciousness which drives all of our expressions and philosophies. It's just insane how many different perspectives and transformations of perception we can have towards religion and God. And just crazy where it all leads and who we become when we follow the trail. To see the vision of the ascended masters open up within you after looking at them from such a distance. It's just like holy shit. That's who I am and what's inside all of us. Like the twin ultraviolet/blue teal flame that I think resides in our heart chakra. I could be wrong. I think this is the spark of life. Ha, wtf!? Don't take this to be true, I could totally be wrong. It's just something I may have seen very briefly via intuitive vision. So much too learn. 

Religions are just particular paths of expression of the human being. They are not how we see them as separate belief systems. They are different compositions of soul force that is born from the world, the Earth even. They really aren't different, we just think and perceive them to be. We get caught up in the differences and our insight does not penetrate to their real nature. Just as we think we are separate people of different races and nations. Not true. We are all human beings of one consciousness. One race. All of us display different aspects of ourselves, different aspects of our feeling. Different ways that we feel that we are not even aware of. We see black, white, latino, European, Islamic, Christian, rational non-religious liberal, conservative, progressive, Asian, whatever. We think this is what people are and don't see much deeper often. We respond to them as if they we're in these ways different from ourself and because of this we don't see how they are our self. How these are labels, stickers on grocery store fruit. How we are all fucking produce. We don't see with our hearts, we see with our judgments. And because of this we inflict pain and suffering on each other and on ourselves. Not saying this is bad, just pointing out that the world is not how we see it, and the actions we take because of our actions don't create the results that we imagine them to and aren't justified by what we imagine they are. If people could see this, they would change their behavior. But.., they don't. I just can't believe how wrong we are. And what right looks like. It's the difference between seeing the only the exterior of a tree and seeing the entire interior of the tree and thinking that the exterior of the tree is the whole tree, when the interior of the tree makes up so much more of what a tree is than the simple visual perception of the exterior. If you don't see the interior of the tree, then you don't know what a tree is. 

Yoseph!

 I had been working on my book again after a couple months off and three days ago I started to write the second book again. It has been really wonderful. Some of the best energy and writing I have done, if not the best, the energy felt current and and continuation of what I have been working on with greater depth and feeling. It has been very inspiring and has improved my mood a lot. I feel very blessed to have this in my life. I can't describe how meaningful and beautiful it is to me. I hope to share it all with you and I hope you can find this joy in your own life. I hope you all are well. I'll do my best to continue blogging while I write. I am really close to finishing editing my first book Into the Stars. I want to get it published with Shambalah who publishes for Thich Nhat Hanh and one of my favorite authors and greatest inspirations, Ken Wilber, the creator of Integral Theory. He maps reality basically. Reality and consciousness. If you haven't heard of him or read any of his books I highly recommend him. Anyway pizza in the oven, gotta check on it. Wish me luck with my book! Peace and Love. 

Merlin

Sharing

 The more we share the more we can share. The more we share the more we will all have. It is becoming clearer to me that sharing is the way of the future. With so many people on our planet and with limited resources, we cannot afford to be selfish. There is too much destructive power to do so. We have to make a choice to serve each other. To serve the whole. It is calling out all over the world. Unite! Awaken! Transform! Liberate yourself! The power is here to change. Here surrounding us and within all of us. It builds each day as our consciousness as a people accelerates each day. Now is the time to free yourself. Now is the time to awaken. Now is the time to let the dharma into your vessel. We must share wisely. Sharing with the wisdom carried on dharmic winds. This means taking time to cultivate wisdom, to realize truth, to liberate oneself. To share effectively we must be awakened to the intuitive dharma. We must be harmonized with the Spirit. With the Way. This means transcending dogmatic conditioned perception and allowing the spirit of Love to fill our hearts. Love is the way. Wherever you are. Love is the way. Imperfect love is better than no love at all. Choosing to love will open your heart to more love. The truth is here. The way is here. We Are One. One People. One nation. One human family. What we do to each other we do to ourself. Please, tune into your feelings, tune into the love, tune into your conscience. The door is here. Doors within doors within doors forever onward. The Way is before you, within you. I believe in you. I believe you can surmount all the obstacles in your life, whatever they may be. You can do it because no matter who you are you are a human being, you have infinite potential within you right now. You have a mind that can create anything it imagines. You have the power, no one else but you. You are the One. You are the Lord. You have a God living within your soul. Listen. Listen deep within. Here I AM

Regardless

Waves of the self
Spinning within a dream
Weaving particles that don't exist
Not yet
Calling for things I can't yet feel
Wandering in an empty room
Waiting for the coal to catch fire
Sitting in the dark
Wondering who in the world is alive
And what that means
Wondering what I really care about
Seeing the things I want
Realizing the emptiness of all things
Feeling the blaze of desire
Realizing the emptiness of the self
Without achievement I am no more or no less than I am with it
No state higher than another
No dream more or less perfect
Yet I still dream, I still yearn
An empty yearn in the flame
There is no self
So what if I burn
So what if I am blind
What of it?
What difference does it make? 
What difference? Truly? 
Am I ultimately the same?
Regardless
I am a mountain
Regardless
I am sea water
Regardless
I am broken people
Regardless
There! Is the dharma
Regardless 
The sky is full of light
Regardless 
I am powerless and powerful
Regardless
All things are tied together
Regardless
I have no name
Regardless
Who am I
Regardless
Who am I
Regardless
I am the space in-between
Regardless
I am one
I am one

It seems like all the things we worry about are beside the point. It seems like the most poignant reality is that "I am God" regardless of what passes here. "I am God" The swell of the infinite overtakes my particular attentions. It lessens their intensity. God says, "Merlin, I AM" and Merlin says, "I AM the Lord, I AM." Merlin looks towards the mountain and God says, "Merlin! Here I AM!" and Merlin says. Oh Lord, I see thee, verily I see thee!"God says to Merlin when Merlin can hear, "Merlin, I AM in all things, all things are in me. Merlin says, "Yes Lord, show me the way." And God says, "In time Merlin, in time I will show you the way. Here I AM, always, Here I AM. Merlin flies up into the wind of the storm looking for His Lord, looking for the faith. Lightening and thunder and great wind. He cries, "Oh Lord, where are thee!" And the Lord says, Merlin ho! Here I AM! In the cloud! In the rain! In the storm! All around thee! Here I AM! Merlin sees the Lord and is carried far by the wind through the tempest about him. "Oh dear Lord, Here, Here I AM. The storm rages, there is not a bird in sight. 

Dear Lord, Here I AM, at your feet on my knees. At the gate of Heaven high above. By your Grace I live alone. Alone by your grace. My life is forfeit. Let it begone in the breeze like pollen carried on the wind. Let it disperse unto the world and not be born again in me. Dear Lord, what have I seen. Too much for mortal eyes. I cannot sleep. Without thee I am nothing. Let me remain here as I am for all of time. You are my master, oh dear Lord. I want not but to be with thee in Heaven. I cannot will myself to do otherwise. No more. You are the Lord, you are my father. I can do not but obey thee. I serve thee until death when I come no more. You are my Lord and Master, I am your servant, you son. You are great and beyond me, I am willing to serve. You are my master. Only thee I obey. It is your will. Thy will be done. Amen

Daylight cometh

Wandering around the bend
Looking for a friend
Looking for myself
Looking for the end
Where the pavement ends
Been gone awhile
Done this before
Up and down and up and down
And up and down again
Don't need a freeway
Don't need a lot
Just need my feeling
That puts me back on top
My way goes between the tracks
Of others that have gone and will go past
I walk the way on the sunny side
On the sunny side of life
Don't want to try to hard
Don't want to try too little
Don't want to make my way with a pipe and a fiddle
Want to stand tall as tall as I need
And not get caught up in knee high weeds
Been here before and I'll be here again
By the way of the barrow with dirt overhead
Dying is easy when your dead
But not for the living that would live instead
I make my way to the grave for a living
But I don't fancy myself doing any of the killing
Cuz as I die and once I'm dead, I'm not so good at putting others down to bed
For the final rest between the night where the Dragon sleeps
Where dwells the Light
A cavern beyond the reign of the sun
A crystal fountain where dead is done
Where walks the truth without a cane
Where walks the Lord where walks the Son
Where walks the way to the shining gate
At the end of time where the soul takes flight
Away from the body, away from life
Away from this world away from what's fine
Until a day when it never will be when the soul is free and I am me
Dissolve into dust ancient mariner
The sky commands you so that it may shine blue without any clouds
Walk the plank seaworthy one
Never to be seen again
If I weren't me
Then who'd I be
Without a name
Who's to blame 
For all the sorry things in the world
Where do I make my gains without a name
Without a grain of sand?
Without a way, without a dam
How can I be a man?
Cast off and set sail
Forever gone
Without ever leaving
Without ever leaving
Thus is the way of life
Without ever leaving
Where the song bird flies 
I find myself without ever leaving
Where daffodils say goodbye
I find myself without ever leaving
No token
No purchase
No exchange
Settling ashes lifted by the opening of a door
Here I find comfort
Please no more for me
Is it not to my discomfort?
Was I not without?
Being withall
Lacking doesn't seem to be serious at all
How can I subscribe to that which never passed
How can I subscribe when these words are infinitely less than echoes resounding from mountain sides that are confused for human speech
How I long to drift into the living abyss

Peace Brethren

All of this is God

 There is no ego. Ego is God. The whole time we imagine that we are a separate self we are not in fact a separate self. There is nothing wrong about his world. Nothing fundamentally flawed. There is no need to pursue enlightenment or anything for that matter. We simply pursue what we pursue. I don't think that anything is permanent. What structures that exist here I do not think define the totality of what is. Neither do the thoughts we have about them. To me God is simply another portal to a new world. A world that goes beyond reason, thinking, and humanity and yet includes all of these. Can we really claim to know how everything works? Is being everything really being everything? It seems to me that there are places we can go and things we can experience which are completely beyond definition and understanding. To me this place is an equally valid reality to the one we can gauge. And perhaps this is where true freedom lies. In freedom from the measuring self. Where ideas of God, morality, truth, questions of the ultimate nature of things are completely irrelevant. I think this place is the clearest space from which we can experience life on Earth. Or life anywhere. To hold onto this space whilst denying the part of us that asks and measures is delusional. Thinking that this space is somehow better. They are two realities while one may supersede the other. I think the world we live in is a product of ignorance. And the undefinable world is a place transcendent of knowledge. I say these things because I have been reading about ultimate notions such as Spirit, Christ Consciousness, the Holy Ghost, etc. I acknowledge the reality of these forms in our universe, but I question their ultimate reality perhaps in the sense that they are perceived to be as all encompassing as they are. It seems to me that when you get to the realization that I and the Father are One and that all of this is God, logic and thinking, begin to fall off of the bandwagon, and defining the world loses it's relevance. I wonder if these Saints and Sages see this but use these constructs such as Spirit and Christ Consciousness because they are relevant to awakening consciousness. When they use words such as eternal I wonder. I wonder if these realities are eternal in that they eternally constructs in reality, but I am reluctant to give them the final world because to me it seems like they are perhaps steps along the way. I wonder if they are in some way attached to these notions and these ways and blind to clearer perception of what is. I wonder if what the West will bring to the East is an exhaustive and merciless degutting of their religions. In which constructs are objectively vindicated, but cleansed of cultural nonsense. It's a terrible idea, but also one that makes me laugh. I acknowledge that some of this is likely due to my own misunderstanding, but I truly wonder. It seems like ideas of samadhi, avatars, saints, sages, are given too much importance. An importance that perhaps takes away from clarity of perception. That fixes the mind on constructs rather than the bare naked truth. This may be a result of my own cold blooded heartlessness, but nonetheless, the reality I am pondering seems to have some legitimacy. It seems to me that any idea you hold onto about the nature of reality is false. Therefore I question why these religions leaders have so many ideas about their religion. I get that they are very exact and in many ways very true, but the way I would now go about liberating minds would not focus nearly as much on all of the stuff they focus on. It seems cluttered to me. I think the reality of stuff, forms, is very legitimate, I am just so curious about what else could be here, what may be more basic, deeper even in a sense. I think it's clearly a fact that that the merging of East and West and the overall unification of world cultures has led to a distillation of truth. I wonder how far this will go. I wonder how personal religiosity will become one with dispassionate objectivity. I wonder what will survive. I think part of me is still seeking vengeance against religion due to it's blind dogma. I probably go to far in my assassination of some of it's principle notions. But it would be more foolish not to be critical of them. It still seems to me that God worship of leading no bullshit religions may still be mired in too much personilization of God that leads to misunderstanding and is ultimately not real. Calling God the Lord and He. His will etc. I know these religions/ways lead to very impersonal awareness of what God may be, but I wonder if these methods will grow outdated with time. Does God have to be He? Does it have to be God? What do we get from these methods of denotation and how will they be affected by the further distillation of truth and unification of world culture? It's obvious that much of our world culture is slaughtered by this unification. What will happen to religion and religious worship? What will happen to science for that matter? This topic is almost more interesting. Science becoming more personal? Wow. Probably. Fuckin A. I guess the purpose of all this thinking is to identify deeper more distilled realities and too anticipate the change that is coming. I guess in all honesty I really don't know. I think I am overcritical of religious ideas because so much of them I have already found to be bs. I expect the rest to be so. I haven't gone deep enough in direct experience to say one way or the other. This said I do think that God opens the door to what is beyond God as we know and define it. I know it does. If it didn't the universe wouldn't make sense. It would be limited. And God wouldn't make sense either. Because God is infinite so it must go beyond itself. Lol. It's funny that in this place beyond any understanding, beyond God is where I find so much happiness. I just feel like all these ideas are work and they weigh me down. I just want to be free. Totally free. I get why worldly engagement is detrimental, but at the same time its like, it's here, so how can it be that bad. It feels too heavy to me to be so in denial of worldly life at least as I imagine how it is perceived. Too much morality. Too much focus on waking people up. I'm taking this position on my understanding of SRF views. I vibe super strongly with like 99% of their stuff. I think their soul is legit. I just also feel inclined towards a more Zen perspective which is like all this shit is here. Zen seems to me to more clearly make less of a distinction between the high and the low. I don't want to give the SRF guys a bad rap because I know they are Golden. I don't think Zen is perfect either. I think it may be too aloof in it's dispassionate attitude. All in all I think these are the questions we need to be asking right now as spiritual seekers and as human beings. We have some fucking awesome traditions to work with. We are lucky to be so privileged in terms of the content available that reaches us after millennia of humans toiling to improve it. To reach us at such a close proximity to perhaps the zenith of perfectedness. I think the zenith might be the complete unification of human culture into one body of knowledge and practice. Which world be at least near the equivalent of a Universal Religion. It seems to me that the leading perennial traditions are pointed towards this union. I don't think it would be Zen if Zen was attached to being Zen. Neither would the SRF hold onto their ways of operation given the pressing realities of the present society. Jesus spoke the way he did in partial due to his audience. Different similarly enlightened beings speak in different ways. What is the essence of their message? What will change in the way it is communicated as more of us are ready to here it? Each of us in our own search are apart of the constantly novel way reality is interpreted. We are apart of this distillation of knowledge. We are apart of this melding of tradition which is the creation of new tradition. This is not something new. It has been this way forever. Now it just seems that the melding is accelerated and that the whole world is coming together. One thing that these great wisdom traditions have in common is that they get to a point where the mind is freed from delusion. I have been to this place. When you get here the details don't seem to have as much weight, or no weight at all. Here it is realized that freedom is more important that understanding everything. Truly being free from delusion is personal fulfillment. I think this is at the heart of what we are all looking for. Much more so than understanding. Here, the way you get there, doesn't need to be so perfect, it just needs to work well enough. Hence the Buddha telling us not to carry the raft, his teaching, with us when we make it to the other shore. This kind of waking up is a paradigm shift from egoicentricism even if the ego is an illusion. It is a paradigm shift for the individual experiencing the awakening. Nothing is of primary importance, you just are. finding things out becomes much less important when you are content with how you are. If you enjoy figuring things out, you are not attached to what you do or don't learn. Time kind of stops, just living is perfectly enough, and incredibly beautiful. What are we if not beings.

What's up Jesus?

 Yo. My kung fu is getting better. I'm really excited to see where it goes. How are you all doing? I hope you are all well. I hope you are finding yourselves. If you are ever in doubt remember that this is it. This place, this thing right in front of your face, coming into your ears. This is it. This is what your searching for. This is the remedy. This. Here. Now. Right here. Right in front of your face. Everything about everything that is going on. Always here. Always now. You can't find peace by turning away from this. You can't find peace by choosing the part instead of the whole. You have to face this. Now. This is all there is to it. Nothing else. No special way. This is the heart of every spiritual tradition. Bring yourself to this moment. These feelings. These thoughts. This circumstance. Notice your orientation towards what is arising in this moment. How are you oriented? Where is your heart? Is it open, feeling and flowing? Is it closed, afraid, upset? Notice your thinking. Are you being close minded and caught up in feeling? Are you open minded present and honest? Are you leaning too far in? Are you hanging too far back? Are you disconnected from your body and thus your feelings? Are you ignoring it? Have you forgotten about it? Do you need to take a moment to reconnect to your body, your feelings, yourself? You can take a break. Things can wait. If not then may you find the grace to be able to take them. How is your spirit? What is it doing? Is it telling you anything? 

It is possible to deepen one's awareness of the present. It is possible to free oneself from delusion. It is possible to heal from deep wounds. It is possible to change. We have all the power in the world right now. It is available for us to use right now. Change the paradigm. Change the thought patterns. It is here right now. We can do this. We can change the world. We can liberate human minds. Human lives. You have the power. I believe in you. I know you can do it. I know you can do it because you are no different from me. We all have access to the same power. Which is unlimited and infinitely creative. We can change the paradigm. Tune into the field of enlightenment. The Buddha mind. Tune into the ascended masters. Tune into the currents of change sweeping over the world right now. Vast swaths of transformative power. Deepening every day. Now is the time to radically change your life. To radically free yourself. Like never before. The world is changing. It cannot last as it is. The rug is getting pulled from underneath it. You can tap into infinite transformative power right now. You have to believe that you can. See that you can. Now is the time to change. The old laws are ending. New ones taking their place. New sources of power for you. Gifted to you by centuries of dedicated work by all of us and by enlightened beings. Tap into the karma that is waiting to enter into the energy fields of Earth. Waiting for people to change their mindsets and open up to a new paradigm. The soul that transcends social custom, that harmonizes the masculine with the feminine, that observes objectivity in faith, that is one with the universe. This is fucking you mutherfuckers. You are the change. You are the one. Once you realize it, you don't have anything left to do. You'll see that the train has already departed with you on it. You are One. You are free. You are Godhead. You are Spirit. Nothing can hold you down. Nothing ever has. You are not your conditioned mind alone. You are the infinite universe. How can anything stop you? Nothing ever has? The paradigm you imagine you live in is an illusion. What is real has no bounds. You are the dreamer. You are the Spirit within all. You are already awake you mutherfucker. You are already God. This moment is already complete. You. You are already fulfilled. This is the obstacle in the mind. All else is delusion. 

What's up Jesus?

Book, and stuff

 Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yooooness. Yoneness. Lol. Currently on my toilet blogging. Don't ask me why. I won't tell you. Lol. Got my grape drink. Life is good. Started working on my book again. I've written everything as far as I know, just doing editing. I was worried while I wasn't working on it, and probably before, if it was good enough to get published. Thought I might have to rewrite some sections. But going over it after a couple months I'm like, "Damn. This is really good". Like surprisingly so. Better than when I wrote it. I don't know how I got it all down like that. But, it's there. Haha. I had forgotten about all of the beautiful and profound insights I had while writing it. Everything I was going through at the time. (I had my karmic bubble burst in the end of January that kind of disconnected me hugely from the spirit world so to speak and I forgot of a ton of stuff that was the essence of my life at that time and I had been cultivating for like years. Hahahaha.) Just like super dope stuff that when I read it I was like holy shit, oh ya, that's where I was. Wow. While I was reading it, I felt so much divine influence. I was just so beautiful. I don't think I am going to do much serious editing at all. It feels very complete. Which was what I intended to do while writing cuz fuck editing. Just one and done it. You don't think that the heavens will just open up and reveal their secrets, when they do it's like, Holy shit. How in the hell did I get here. Part of you, or at least a huge part of me, was and still is so doubtful of incredible things happening to me, or being real for that matter. I guess I have a lot of doubt and a lot of perhaps dejected worldviews. When the miraculous gets through I am kind of stunned. "I mean I calculated that give a, b, and c and doing x, y, and z this would happen, but I mean it can't really happen right?" Wrong. Crazy wrong. This world is a fucking wonder. Just think how we can never know where any of this came from originally. Anything you find as an impulse has to have its own impulse. So we can never know where this came from or really for that matter where the fuck we are. Which makes all of this a complete fucking mystery. Like how in the hell did this all come to be? We can't fucking answer the question. We can go back and back and label all of these forms and events, but then you get to the unknown and you realize that there is no fucking limit to what could be created here, it's just what happens to be created here. Which makes the universe a place of unlimited potential and mystery. Which makes the very fabric of our lives a complete fucking unknown, because we don't know what the hell is going on here that we can't see or measure yet. And regardless of the tools there will always be the unknown variable that completely engulfs our reality. The darkness at the edge of the light of the candle. And this is what we are!! This is where we live!! And then you throw in divine consciousness and like, "I AM Everything", and it's like wtf........How can you return to normalcy...The cool thing is that maybe we can do things in totally different ways. Like REALLY different. Like weird different. Like Merlin different. Hence me, Merlin, doing what I do. Gliding on the winds of the far out. For me I feel like a lot of this normal shit does not fit. I'm like, "Hey guys...there's something wrong with this glove, I have like 10 fingers! I don't often feel comfortable doing things normal ways and I am super attracted to the impossible. It's like that is where I should be. How I should be living. It feels so familiar and comforting. I feel like I should be able to have anything I want, whenever I want it. Why not? I feel like I shouldn't have to age if I don't want to, that I can travel through time. That I can learn to fly. Lol. But I'm dead serious. And frighteningly committed. I just want to know deeply how things work and why my limits are. I can't find any! So let's fucking fly. Why the fuck not. I don't believe in these rules, laws etc that most people follow. My being is exploding to go where no man has ever gone before. Western men anyway. When you learn about the deeper nature of reality that undermines the conventional paradigm you....lost my train of thought...duhhhhh....air head?....oh ya..Aquarius sun sign...now things make a whole lot more sense. I am a fucking Aquarian. Jesus Christ somebody help me. I need help. "Sir, what do you need help with?" It's just that I am never going to fit in here... "So what do you want me to do?" I NEED MORE GRAPE JUICE!!. Lol well when you learn about that stuff you...........................finish your ice from you grape juice and soda and draw a complete fucking black then pass out....orrrr......you find something else to say...when you learn about that schnazz you gain new likes and zires. I really do want to fly. Some way some how. I feel like I'm soaring within often. It feels great. This is the problem with Aquarius. I could give a complete dissertation on something and then a minute later completely forget about what I was saying and have no interest in going back. I could say shit and think deeply about shit without even really consciously registering what I was saying, or I was and then my brain switches gears and I completely forget about it. Now I'm plowing through shit trying to get back to garbage train up above and FUCK! can't think of a damn thing. Fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it. 

Merlin. Master. Flight. In the places where two eyes are blind. where his light is truly of him. and his light is where he flies. This is his home. Where two eyes can not see. Here he finds himself among many many many things. He has cut a channel into the within. Within and all and more than this is. Merlin. My home. My wings. I fly. I fly. Oh where, oh where am I? In that special place in between. When I can see. Oh yes. Merlin my heart. You are the sandy shores on the edge of the sea of the universe across all that can be seen. There you begin and reside on the very edge of what can be known. On the edge dancing between the grains in translucent shadowy winds with changing hues mixing and blowing on the beach, taking away attention, here I find the strangest and most pleasing calm, a peace that I cannot describe. Palm leaves gently sway in the breeze. Water silently laps against the shore. Light brown sugar sands. Twilight yet day, yet not day. I come through and enjoy the beach. I am not the sand, yet I am made of it. How comforting. Beautiful perfect water which is the sea, which is so much, yet is quiet and here coming nearly to my feet. cannot stay to long, cannot linger. The wind swirls and is colored with astral blue, green, and violet. Cannot stay too long or I will change and lose my beauty. I fear I have already changed once again. I sit in an open room on a futon with high wooden arm rests of pine colored wood. A computer on my lap. A body, Sight. A head, What place is this? Where am I? What am I doing here? Who am I? Why am I here? What is going on? Chairs beneath a bar. Will I forget myself again? If I do, let it not be for long. The sky is so beautiful when it is open. When I am no longer on my feet. Where it does not matter where I go or what I am. Merlin. Merlin. You are Merlin. Remember who you are. You are born of the stars. Dear Merlin. You are born of the stars. You are from the Great Beyond. You do not belong here. You bright Star. Bright moon. Bright planet. Remember all is translucent, all is floating. Remember who you are sweet one. Brilliant one. Light shines out of you and fills the heavens, but not too much. Remember we enjoy the vastness of space, we enjoy the space between. Remember who you are. Remember who I am. Remember. Don't forget. This is the power of Grape juice, soda water, ice, and a bag of cool ranch dorritos. Don't do it by the book if the book don't do by you. Merlin. Awaken. Awaken. From one dream to the next. Eyes open, here I am. new life. new world. New way. Bright light of sun. You are so much more. You are a star in heaven. Remember dear one. Remember your colors. Remember your way. You are Merlin dear one. Remember. Remember Merlin. Remember me. Remember. Merlin. Sword. Shield. Stone. The blue light. The blue sea. The blue dream. You carry starlight with you Merlin. Remember. You have a name. These are not your problems. These are not your woes. You step as lightly as light from the moon and the stars. You gentle one. Remember your place, remember your power. Remember where you come from. Who you are. How you are. Where you wish to go. What you wish to do. How you wish to do it. Remember. Remember the wind. The water falling from the sky. The cold air. Remember. Your home. Your life. You have always been Merlin. They gave you another name. But you are of the wind. It could not stick. You are Merlin. You walked in the sunlight, by the creek, you breathed the air. You were young, you grew and grew and grew. You slowly remembered. Merlin was born here. 28 years ago. Merlin. He rose again. He came to this land again. He has a purpose. He came with the night wind. He came with the Winter wind on the coast. He came in the morning. He came to strike fire into the hearts of men. He came with thunder and lightening. He came with the power of Midnight to cast on men during the day. He came to bring the Night. He cam to bring the great Sun. He came with lightening. He burns the Earth, yet he is welcomed. He is a flash in the darkness. A message from  beyond where men can see. He came to you. Because you went to him. The gap was bridged. This is your puzzle my friend. Your great puzzle. The greatest of your life so far, in so far as you remember. Merlin of the dark night. Merlin great pilgrim. Sea stone, windmancer, landkin, earth cleaver. I am coming again. I am coming again in you. We have changed since last we met dear brother. Yes we have. What are we up to friend? I see a path of stone high, but not from where or to where it leads. Only stone taking shape dear brother. You seem younger, yet older. From where do we come? What is this spell on me? Madness mixes with wine. Have we always been one dear brother? Have I indeed always been Merlin? My heart longs to know. Longs to know where it came from, who it is. I worry that such details should upset the order as it is. But the wails of my heart are beautiful and full of nectar, I cannot refuse their plea. I am seized by the thought that you are my past and my heart. My heart of memory. I am pleased you are here. That I may fall into you is a dream beyond a dream. Adieu. 

Body image insecurities and insecurity in general

 I was in the shower looking at my chest and abdomen when it hit me, again, that this was what I was looking for. I had forgotten again that this is it. It feels easy to get lost in samsara for lack of a better word, and it is so funny to find yourself in the simplest of things, like water running over hairs on a chest. It wasn't a perfectly formed chest out of the movies, it was a living chest on a living body in a shower. Duh. We look in all the stupid places. I will be ok when I have this type of body, when I have this type of body feature. Then I will be ok. Then I will be. Until then, I am not worthy. In a way, I am not at all. I am reserved for the dark recesses of my mind with little to no warmth and affection. Sorry, your not good enough unless you look or are a certain way. When did this become sanity? How is this going to make us feel good about ourselves and our life? When I saw my chest I saw how off the mark it was to get caught up in trying to be something else at the expense of my wellbeing right now. At the expense of my own dignity and kindness. The loss of both of which make me judgmental of others and help sustain the toxicity of our superficial culture. The beautiful thing was that after such a long time of struggling with insecurities, I was able to look at my own body seeing it as it was, not as something to be forced to be something that it is not, and realize that this was all that I had, and it was ok to be this way. I don't even think imperfect is the appropriate way to describe it. More so that it is better to be ok with how I am, how I look now, than to be lost in trying to change myself because I am insecure about who I am and how I look. We find real peace in self acceptance, self-love, and freedom from this ridiculous notions that mainstream culture make us feel like we have to live up to to be ok. When we can accept ourselves as we are, when we are not caught up in these foolish notions, we can see who we actually are, and learn to take care of our unique self. Which isn't somebody that fits in a g.i. joe or barby doll box. We are unique, we have unique needs and desires, and a unique way to live our life. Being able to be ourselves right now, as we are, with love, kindness, and consideration is what we are really looking for out of life. I think it can be difficult for most of us to be ok with who we are to some degree because of the judgmental and superficial world we live in. It can be difficult, it is difficult, and part of this difficulty is a great deal of pain and suffering. I feel for you and my heart goes out to you. I am not free from judgment and vanity, or the suffering that comes with both. I am becoming freer slowly. We can learn to be kind towards ourself, to be more in touch with ourselves, our bodies, and our feelings, and we can free ourselves from ideas that are not our own. The more we love ourself with gentle nurturing and compassion, the greater capacity we have to love others the same. In a way everyone is tender hearted and needs gentle nurturing in their life. 💗

Merlin's yogic awareness

 I had a profound spiritual awakening when I was in college. With it came an exact intuitive vision, the yogic awareness that I described in the last post. After this experience I knew without a doubt that I was going to leave college. I knew that my life was forever changed. I could see into what appeared to be an entirely new universe, the universe exposed, without the blanket of conditioned perception augmenting my reality. I wasn't entirely enlightened. I just popped the lid of of the bottle. This human vessel was still full of delusion, there was now just a gaping whole in the top of it to the beyond which is the real. And I, perhaps suffered some sort of ego death. My life still lie there, but now as an abstraction within this vast raw expanse, it was something like a broken mirror waiting to be further fractured and ground down by the forces of the kosmos. My soul or something like it, was still tied to and invested in it emotionally, but kind of in a way that one holds on to love lost that won't return. This may be somewhat beside the point. From that experience on I have had at times certainty in knowledge that certain things were meant to be, were right, or wrong for that matter. My intuitive sensitivity was drastically heightened from that moment and has been regularly improved in the time since then. With this new awareness my will and life direction have had a paradigm shift. Now in addition to choosing goals that I think are best through reason and perceived practicality, I search for perhaps a universal calling to guide me. This supersedes conventional mentation. This may sound different from what I described in the previous post, an awareness of exactly what it takes to achieve a particular goal: pure objectivity. I think perhaps as I have described it, it is. But the two are both aspects of yogic awareness. The yogi can not truly succeed in God-union unless he is following the will of God which orients him in a particular way unique to each yogic. The will of God combined with the meticulous exercises informed by the yogic objectivity allow the yogi to steadily progress towards the miraculous. The yogic objectivity used for egoic aims without the will of God can prove disastrous. In my own experience discovering the true will of God has been very difficult given the deep and complex way that our society is deluded with it's manifold snares. It has been the process of undoing a monster ball of knots, or undoing a spool of ribbon in which each half circumference of ribbon unwound reveals a different face of relative truth to wrestle with. Over and over and over and over again. Nonetheless, the Will of God, God being the Universe, or the One, or even Being, shines resplendent within an apparent universe of chaos and confusion. Against all doubt and cynicism it extends within us perfectly and masterfully. And thank God it does, otherwise the universe would have no meaning. We could have no real life. Hopefully as time passes here on Earth more and more will continue to deeply awaken and make the way easier for those upcoming individuals. I do not doubt it will be so. For the time being, pray earnestly for salvation. There are many who are listening. 

After all this time my vision is still spotty. My adherence to God's will seems frail, perhaps at least on the surface. Yet I feel that this is changing. I feel more capable of establishing myself on the Divine path and much less likely to be ensnared by what in my case has been devastating delusion. So much that I thought was important seems much less so, and it seems that the only thing that can provide me true meaning is to serve a higher purpose, fulfilling the dharma set out before me. It seems that personal ambition is riddled with delusion and in consequence without merit. The self that I wish to serve and uplift is the great self within us all. My personal ambition seems largely misguided and now more than ever undesirable. Almost as if it was I trap that I lived in yet couldn't get rid of so I had to make do with it for the time being. It always seemed to burn me and make me suffer like holding a hot coal. Perhaps I can still want things for myself, but I want to want things that are good for all. That are good in the eyes of the Lord. That are free and full. Now I am content in merely seeking the will of God. Another thing about egoic ambition. Perhaps two things. Be wary of how you approach transcending the ego. You must do so with grace if you wish to truly leave it behind, and behind you may never fully leave it. If you compulsively attempt to throw it off, through dogma or half baked reasoning, you will fail and will cast yourself into some kind of perhaps subtle prison. In this case it seems to be the ego attempting to throw off the ego. You must be guided by some more subtle force that undermines and transforms its structure. For me outright denial seemed much too compulsive misguided. I found that embracing it and allowing it to be worked the best. I think perhaps we must both embrace it as it is, allowing ourselves to be egoic and also use our higher consciousness to transmute it into soul. I think this is the way that we grow in our hearts, yet this way can take many different forms in outward expression. We do grow through our egos. It is when they are fully developed that we can clearly see that they are not enough for us. If we deny what we truly want because we believe we need to be something other than we are, then we will never make any progress. 
Peace out. Merlin

Not quite completely unknown. READ THIS BLOG!!

 So earlier today I was like yo, everything is alien and shit like that. Stand by it, mostly. Had little revelation and was like, well..it's kinda not alien because everything is our self. This is all me. Which makes its immensity like not. If we are the master, then we are familiar with how everything works right? Because it's all us and we make it all. Basically. So everything is alien to our little pretend selves that think they know what's going on, but to our Self, familiarity is a reality, because this is all our shit. We, as the only self that is, goad ourselves into thinking that what is is what it is not because we are identified with our ego image and afraid, and at this time I don't think we are or were ever awake to our Self in this lifetime so when we face the reality of what we do know, we find ourself in a totally alien universe. But, in this reality we are always the Self, so there is always some degree of familiarity even if it is me caveman yogi versus monster kosmos. We perceive an alien universe when we lay bare our knowledge of reality (as far as we know) by penetrating the enormity of the delusion (assumed reality) that everyone walks around with. From this perspective, without knowledge of the Self, the yogic path could begin. I am imagining the yogic path as a purely objective vision of how to take the little self to the big Self. One that is objective because it has penetrated through conditioned delusion which compromises judgment. Here, the yogi must still be identified with the little self to a certain extent. But perhaps they have still reached a purely objective awareness of reality in which their identity as a little self is a reality, but not the reality meaning that they could still be objective in how they perceive the means to become enlightened to Reality. Yes. This sounds better than I usually can manage. I see them being aware of the raw form of the universe (raw without the mask of conditioned perception) which I think may be attainable without personally being liberated from the little self. I believe I had something like this (and still do) when I was much less enlightened. This to me is yogic vision. Or yogic perception or awareness in which the yogi clearly sees the way to God without the yoke of judgment compromised by conditioned perception. It is because of this vision that the yogi is capable of taking real and measured steps towards the divine with protracted success. It is why the yogi achieves the impossible, and why they sit in the fucking woods for so long. The method of turning the smallest pebble into a landslide. The compound effect utilized in a completely impersonal and rigorous fashion for the attainment of Godhead or what we may call supernatural powers. 

Coming soon!!!!! Merlin takes this discussion about yogi vision to a radical personal level!!!OMG!!!

Complete Unknown

 I went to bed last night a few hours later than usual. As I lay in bed I looked around my room and it hit me how all of this is totally explainable. We have no idea why any of this came to be and I wonder if we ever can know. I don't think there is any way of fully understanding what is going on. I think so much of the universe is beyond comprehension. And this is the reality we live in. Plopped right down in an unsolvable mystery, endowed with incredible consciousness. I think what hit me hardest was that so much that we consider familiar is really not. It's totally alien. We think we understand this when we have no fucking clue what is going on or why. We live in this shade of assumed knowledge that's totally bs, all of this culture, all of these notions, when we are totally naked and alone in a vast alien universe. It's weird. We really have no fucking clue. We assume this air of knowledge, but it seems vain and pretentious. We are helpless babies. I think our ancestors used to feel this more, used to be in profound awe at the total unknown of their predicament. Now we live in these little boxes nearly completely caught up in our contrived human routine and the wonder we have is at Marvel's superheroes. Our wonder is shrunk and bottled up like cucumbers in a pickle jar. It's so much easier to wonder when your environment is the raw natural world, that today we are so unfamiliar world. When nature dominates your environment you can't avoid facing the complete unknown. When you look at it, you are confronted by the total alienness of the universe. Our lives are dull in comparison I think. Perhaps longer, but duller. We live in this non-living contrived culture that is dulled and distant from the reality of our existence. Where things are real because they are raw and unavoidable. The reality is we don't have a fucking clue. We go day by day seeking fulfillment in these notions that to me are distractions. I think our culture had a spark in it, marriage, religion, social roles, etc. But so much of this, the way we experience these, is pretty deadened now. What excites me about seeing the raw unknown is the possibility of understanding aspects of it. When I see it, I see the raw forces that rule my existence. Here, I have a chance to actually learn something. I have a chance to free myself from the powers that toss me around willy-nilly. I have a chance to live in a way that is free from the dead ways of our world. I have a chance to free myself. What a rare chance indeed. 

To me, this is where the yogic life begins. Not with religion, perhaps not even with God. But with a real sense of this unknown universe that we find ourself in and a real sense of where to start tampering with it and yourself to come to know it and to liberate yourself from it's bondage. It's not a moral incentive, religious imperative, it's not a whim or a fancy. I think it has nothing to do with God, religion, or any cultural notion we may have. To me, these are all dead. The life they have in them was strong enough to tell me to get the fuck out and as far away from them as possible, strong enough to point me in the right direction, which is straight into the total fucking unknown, a place we have covered with concrete, taboo, amnesia, and a bunch of other shit in bullshit I don't care to mention. Into the jungle, of the mind. Of the soul, if I dare use that word. This isn't about Alec Scheibe, he's dead. I don't need a name, I want to be free. You sorry mutherfuckers can't understand what I am going through. "I pity the fool" Joking and not joking. Not that I am much in the way of wise, I just have a good understanding of how fucked we are, I have what I see as a chance, and most of you are sleeping babes. No offense, most of us are. For whatever fucking reason I got hit by a lightening bolt. You have all these notions of what the spiritual path is, that it is something. Think of the Odyssey of the Greek myths. Can you recall the violent, raw mysterious forces they dealt with? That Odysseus was cast into for 10 years? Can you feel that power? This is the window I am talking about into the reality of the complete fucking unknown of the universe. Everything I am writing here is to communicate it to you. It's literally your only hope to escape the prison that you live in. Yes, you live in a prison. And this isn't the fucking matrix, it's your goddamn life. Which you can't grasp. Which you don't know what that means. You don't know what your life is or what it means. Our world keeps you in infantile consciousness. Too many protections, too many dead notions. You have got to find that window. Find a way to it and break the fuck through. I'll do my best to be here waiting for you. To make sure somebody is waiting for you. No guarantees. If you have the balls, this challenge is unbeatable. Going alone is as hard as it gets and as fun as it gets. Climb through all of the shit to get to the surface. I'll knock your ass out if you stop. And I'll do my best to be there for you along the way and at the top to help you up. Unless I'm busy battling demons. This is for those die hard mutherfuckers who want to live. Who want to take a breath of free air. It's a mind game. A mind game in which your body, your soul, and the world are pieces. Couldn't get any better, couldn't get any more fucked. I challenge you to do better than I have. Good fucking luck. I aint settlin for nothin. It's all or nothing. It's the faithful or the faithless. It's life or death. Death being living death. Being hell. To get started, you have to climb out of the pit that you may or may not know you dwell in. You have to step into the flames and continue to step into the flames until you are fire consummate. 

More than all of this, you have to see the world without the filter the world gave you. See it in the raw, see through your assumptions, beliefs, ego. If you can do this, you'll know where to start if you want to. From there it's up to you to figure out what to do next. I am merely a Lion in the mist. 
Everyday you have the opportunity to move closer to freeing yourself. Every moment you have the ability to make choices to change your life. You can choose freedom, you can choose blindness. It's incredibly complicated as long as your good at fooling yourself. You can find your conscience, you can find your intuition. You can simplify your life. The world is a living breathing thing. What you do affects all of us. What you do makes a difference. Your choice. 

Merlin out.